The Abyss Inside

It had been years since I had closed that door, believing foolishly it to be for good.

It was a Sunday in late November. The weeks before had been unnaturally warm. Finally, the rain started falling from the dark sky that afternoon. The sun had already set, when I was sitting in my study reading the newest publication on astronomy in the dim twilight. The heating bubbled lazily in a far corner of the room when suddenly an ever-growing sense of unease snuck up on me.

It started innocently enough; an itch in the back of my mind. Like I had forgotten something not too important, but my subconscious wouldn’t let go off. As my reading became a distracted skimming, my vision started to fade into white noise in the corner of my eyes. My hands started shaking.

To calm my fluttering nerves, I reminisced about my childhood – a time of peace. I was just barely aware of the beast that hid inside me but, from what I gathered with my childish mind, I considered it my closest friend.

Years went by. When I entered school, the world started to take an interest in who I should become. They forced me to distance myself from its inhuman desires. That it was vile and lived only to destroy what was necessary. I never dared to ask what was so important and to whom; just obeyed frightfully.

At its core, it was a noble path that I have been set on, already before I saw the first light of this world. But I was bound to fail; miserably. False fear led to shame that threatened to drown me silently. My reaction was to isolate myself from the world; locking every of It’s stirring away behind a facade of cold calm.

The memories managed to soothe my thin nerves. I was sure that my body must have reacted to the neglect of my physical needs during the hours and hours of study. As I wanted to get up off my chair, a sudden taste of wild madness started to claw at the back of my throat. I fell back into my chair, finding it harder and harder to breathe.

The weight of existence came crashing down on me, roaring like an untamed beast of long-forgotten centuries. Every illusion of control was washed away in a violent torrent. Anxiously I clutched the withered pages of my magazine, trying to keep a sense of forged reality. And then, finally, It emerged from the depth.

The ground beneath me started shaking. Books toppled over and fell out of their native place on the shelves. The fragile windows broke shrieking under the intense pressure. My fingers clawed into the armrest of my chair as I tried to scream in silent despair. Horrifyingly the maws of abyss opened before my very eyes.

I would like to describe more in detail what had started that fateful night. I am not at fault of my memory that I must leave the miasmic information to the reader’s imagination. Their lesson is etched into my sanity as a warning for things to come.

It is language itself that fails me in my attempts to share this terrible enlightenment further.

After a raw, primal power like a roaring and blinding thunderstorm out on the high seas had been unleashed on the fabric of my very being, nothing was left. Like an old place of worship, I had crumbled under the weight of my own importance. The sturdy walls of intellect had ceased to protect my fragile self. I stood naked, trembling in the ruins of what once has been an alien occupation I had called home.

I stared into the manifestation of my own darkness. Any thought, any feeling, that dared to venture into the open, it all was devoured inattentive ignorance.

The more I entered the vast nothingness, the more I came to understand. With all the terror that I had been busy cultivating over all those years gone, I could finally perceive the true nature of this sublime monstrosity.

As we were bound by fate forever, we were destined to grow and fade together. The day had come, when everything else had been done, to return to It’s caring embrace to perish in the comforting nothingness.

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